Sorry, need to vent.......

My husband and I have worked very hard to build a decent little corner in this world, although we do have  mortgage/some cc debt/normal life struggles, we are "okay". My thing is that family/friends who have had the same opportunities in life, but obviously were not as motivated, think that we've "go it' and they're entitled to it. I've been frugal/saver/couponer/side hustler for over 20 years before my son was born and I had to tighten the family finances. Ive tried to teach frugal skills but nobody wants to put in the work.

My siser-in-law for example, every visit, its can I have, can I have. She even has the nerve to want to use our house for her party because our yard is bigger and I have nicer things. A friend of my husband will literally go into our pantry and bag up snacks to take home. I was DONE when he took my big bag of BJ's walnuts. Really?!

Theirs also a parent who "needs" money constanlty because she will spend hers on wants and expect someone to cover for what she needs, like being short on rent.

I will gladly give anyone a hand up but the expectation of handouts is exhausting, they're all able bodied adults, get a second or third job if you have to.

I personally dont expect anything from anyone, and I will not ask, I will work for what I want or go without. 

Anybody else have people in your life like this?

 

Original Post

Whoa, Sorry you're going through this. I know it can suck and wear you out. Have you addressed this with your husband? I personally keep to myself and have not lent anything more that about $300 that were paid within a pay period. 

Yes, we have discussed this but he's such a selfless, giving guy that helping and being taken advantage of is blurred.

I would take atleast a short "vacation" away from these mooching folks. You worked & saved but for yourself & your family. There is a neighbor who has regularly

been stealing from me for over 4 months now...to the tune of ~800 dollars. I believe

she thinks she's entitled to steal from me, can you imagine?? She has a question-

able, sketchy past & skipped out on creditors. Now she is harassing me big time

 

and I've taken concrete steps to remove her from my sphere. So I can relate to what

you said....except this is a total stranger who has no business being in my apt.

or stealing my hard-earned stuff. Suggestions, anyone??

Arica, I can certainly understand why you are venting! I hope there is a way you can sit down and address this with your husband since it appears the problem arises mostly with his family and friends.

And it appears it's likely a touchy issue between the two of you since he is a selfless person. 

Is there a way he can carry most of the burden you are feeling?

One of the issues between my partner and I is drop-in company. His family all live within an hour of us and they were all raised to be welcomed and come over anytime without any notice.  My up-bringing is just the opposite; I like a little warning so I can straighten the house, myself, and be prepared best I can since I'm usually not just sitting around doing nothing!  I wish I was more laid back, I've tried, I can't.

We had several arguments about this early in our relationship, and I always left the argument feeling selfish, ungrateful, and feeling very unwelcoming.

The resolution (which I don't think is the best we can do) is that when the drop ins show up, they are his responsibility to entertain, offer a drink and a snack or two and if I'm involved in a major project, I sit for a few minutes then excuse myself to continue what I'm doing.  I'm sure I'm a topic of some conversation about my rudeness however I feel they are being rude to just show up. 

Maybe your husband can somehow take the pressure and burden of how you are feeling off your shoulders.  Wishing you the best because your current situation would annoy me too!

I’ve been retired for 20 years. I worked many jobs, some extremely dangerous. I live in a modest home and drive older cars. One neighbor asked why I don’t drive to work every day? I told her I no longer work. She was upset. Another neighbor approached me, I’d been shopping and one bag was from a very nice store. It was a birthday gift for my granddaughter. The neighbor wanted to know how I could afford a gift from that store? I told her I have a good retirement and I saved up for it. Then she looked at my disabled vet car tags. Her reply shocked me. She said I was just another moocher off of Uncle Sam! That I’m on public welfare! I asked her how she liked renting? Why, she said? I told her my home was paid for! She left in a huff! I’ve been frugal all my life. I do have savings but I also have a very good retirement income. Was she just jealous? 

Alicia, you remind me of sooo many things.

I was on tough times and told everyone that I wasn't exchanging holiday gifts. I was met with "well, you have to, right?" No, I wasn't playing with simple social reciprosities but expressing that I was in financial trouble and really couldn't participate, as usual. This was a big step for me and my relative, just didn't "get it."

The bottom line is that your marriage is a partnership. What has occurred is unpleasant for you. These feelings need to be expressed and acknowledged and validated. Maybe just expressing this issue in this forum was all the assistance you needed. Maybe you two need to go to counseling and determine a way to handle these issues, as they will continue until a change occurs. Maybe everything needs to be locked up in a special place or pantry? You both might start casually countering requests with jolly "nos" to get started and also require something in return: a balanced budget and repayment plan from the adult always in need? Just some ideas, but the two of you need to be united in our effort.

Jobelle Collie posted:

I’ve been retired for 20 years. I worked many jobs, some extremely dangerous. I live in a modest home and drive older cars. One neighbor asked why I don’t drive to work every day? I told her I no longer work. She was upset. Another neighbor approached me, I’d been shopping and one bag was from a very nice store. It was a birthday gift for my granddaughter. The neighbor wanted to know how I could afford a gift from that store? I told her I have a good retirement and I saved up for it. Then she looked at my disabled vet car tags. Her reply shocked me. She said I was just another moocher off of Uncle Sam! That I’m on public welfare! I asked her how she liked renting? Why, she said? I told her my home was paid for! She left in a huff! I’ve been frugal all my life. I do have savings but I also have a very good retirement income. Was she just jealous? 

Hey Jobelle,

I will gladly call out your neighbors and say they're HATERS and definitely jealous. I'm working hard to be someone like you in about 20 years. Thumbs up to you for having your life/finances/priorities in order. I dont think you owe them an explaination for your lifestyle.....let 'em wonder......and Thank You for your service!

trying to get by posted:

Alicia, you remind me of sooo many things.

I was on tough times and told everyone that I wasn't exchanging holiday gifts. I was met with "well, you have to, right?" No, I wasn't playing with simple social reciprosities but expressing that I was in financial trouble and really couldn't participate, as usual. This was a big step for me and my relative, just didn't "get it."

The bottom line is that your marriage is a partnership. What has occurred is unpleasant for you. These feelings need to be expressed and acknowledged and validated. Maybe just expressing this issue in this forum was all the assistance you needed. Maybe you two need to go to counseling and determine a way to handle these issues, as they will continue until a change occurs. Maybe everything needs to be locked up in a special place or pantry? You both might start casually countering requests with jolly "nos" to get started and also require something in return: a balanced budget and repayment plan from the adult always in need? Just some ideas, but the two of you need to be united in our effort.

Hi there,

Believe me, in no way am I shy about expressing how I feel about anything. We have visited your suggestions except counseling....I've made it clear to these particular friends/family how I feel, it's getting hubby to be firmer with it. Like MintJulep said above, I'm always left feeling selfish and ungrateful. 

Kudos to working hard and being able to get nice things, and it's so sad that friends and family take advantage. And kind people always end up feeling like they're the bad guy once they put their foot down. I agree that talking things out is always best, but when that doesn't work, and hubby feels uncomfortable, I say put locks on the doors and pantry when you know people are showing up(lol), and they'll soon get the message. (I see Trying to Get Posted suggested the same thing-lol) I have a friend who keeps a fridge in her room and a special pantry with goodies she wants to save, and she keeps her bedroom door locked when she's gone.  So sorry you're having to go through this nightmare and sending you some HUGE hugs.  RO

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