Growing up with divorced parents allowed me to experience the benefits and consequences of two very different financial journeys. It was fascinating to watch how my mom and dad navigated their finances with one thing in common: me.
My dad: an OG penny hoarder with a military mindset of caring for everything to make it last almost too long. My chores included carefully folding t-shirts, polishing our wooden tables “never against the grain”, and passing him tools as he laid under our cars to change the oil himself.
My mom: generous to a fault. She never turns away someone outside of a grocery store asking for spare change, a GoFundMe request, or lets me pay for lunch. Some of my favorite memories from my childhood are big trips with my mom and our extravagant back to school shopping sprees.
I now fall somewhere in the middle of mom and dad’s habits, and often struggle with big financial decisions, especially when they feel the need to throw their 2 cents in. Who has the best advice? Who should I listen to? Spending somewhat frivolously, with fun taking precedents over financial health in mind like my mom does makes my throat tighten up and my palms get sweaty. But, taking a DIY approach to car maintenance and rarely, if ever, indulging in a new coat or a fancy dinner like my dad makes my eyes roll (like they did during my endless hours of table polishing).
My question to you is: how has your current relationship with money been influenced by the people and household you grew up with?
I was raised broke, getting hand me downs from family members and living on government assistance. I got married and spent money like there was no tomorrow. Ended up in financial trouble. Now the pendulum has swung back the other way. I’m trying to pay stuff off and live life with a whole lot less stress.
I grew up poor. Ever couple months
if i was lucky the church in town
we have $5 bags cloths. You pick out what
you wanted and as much as you could get
in the bag was $5.
So as I got older and had kids I all ways looked for
cheap things. Money was tight with 8 kids husband
and myself. Yes the kids would get hand me downs.
Husband did work i staid home with the kids. I’ve all
ways been cheap.
Than husband got sick and I got a couple credit cards
and got into debt and i’m working my way out of them.
I’m quite embarrassed to say, but I wish I have had a better upbringing in regards to finances. I didn’t learn the value of money until I lived on my own, and I’m still learning! I’ve had credit cards since I was 18. Thankfully, they have been paid on time, but there is always a revolving balance. Then I took out a student loan. My parents have helped a lot over the years, but they’ve also taught me to either finish college or join the military, find a good job and don’t depend on any man for finances. I don’t think it’s fair for my man to pay for my financial learning experiences lol. My parents also prefer to save than pay down their debt…eek! Over the last couple years, I’ve been paying down my debt. I’ve learned to get rid of things I don’t need by selling them. I have sold my first home last year, and a lot of fashion items on Poshmark and Craigslist. I believe that high school and colleges should teach mandatory personal finance classes. Anyway, I’m gradually working toward my financial goals, and it feels fantastic.
I’m sorry to hear about your husband getting sick. It looks as though we have led similar lives, though. I lived on hand me downs. We ended up in financial trouble when we had everything financed and delivered a baby very early.
My parents always tried to give us everything we needed/wanted growing up. Even through we were a single income household and my dad worked 2 jobs my whole life. There was always credit card debt and no savings, so when i grew up and got married it was the same thing with us. My ex-husband never wanted to deny ourselves anything, new car, vacation or eating out. At the time of our divorce i was stuck with some monster debt in my name. I finally woke up and realized that it has to end, i was denying myself peace; so over the last year i have started to really work on paying stuff down. I need to be able to have some retirement money and not be in a vicious circle anymore.
My parents always tried to give us everything we needed/wanted growing up. Even through we were a single income household and my dad worked 2 jobs my whole life. There was always credit card debt and no savings, so when i grew up and got married it was the same thing with us. My ex-husband never wanted to deny ourselves anything, new car, vacation or eating out. At the time of our divorce i was stuck with some monster debt in my name. I finally woke up and realized that it has to end, i was denying myself peace; so over the last year i have started to really work on paying stuff down. I need to be able to have some retirement money and not be in a vicious circle anymore.
Hi Laura,
You bring up an interesting point! Joint finances are not something I have any experience with and I can imagine makes saving so much more difficult when you and your spouse have different money management styles. I think it is awesome that you have taken the time to reflect on the consequences of past decisions and are consciously making a change, especially after a tough life event like a divorce. Thanks for your insight!
But as I reflect, I think there were some lean times, as I know my dad was out of work for at least 6months when I was about 12. I remember having powdered milk & interesting dinners of chunky soup on rice & mashed peas on toast.
My grandparents always had money as they had a sailboat, motorhome & hobby farm and spoiled us with lots of gifts. We used the motorhome for family vacations. I don’t think I every really went without anything.
I worked for a tour division of an airline out of college & got myself into debt by travelling on credit cards. I don’t regret the experiences but I wish I had saved for the trips. I still love to travel but we usually do road trips & camping trips now.
But as I reflect, I think there were some lean times, as I know my dad was out of work for at least 6months when I was about 12. I remember having powdered milk & interesting dinners of chunky soup on rice & mashed peas on toast.
My grandparents always had money as they had a sailboat, motorhome & hobby farm and spoiled us with lots of gifts. We used the motorhome for family vacations. I don’t think I every really went without anything.
I worked for a tour division of an airline out of college & got myself into debt by travelling on credit cards. I don’t regret the experiences but I wish I had saved for the trips. I still love to travel but we usually do road trips & camping trips now.
Hi Nicole! Very interesting! I am with you on not regretting experiences from your travels, even if they came with a price tag! Thanks for sharing!
I have conflicting relationships based on my upbringing. We had enough but not a lot extra. For example, we did not eat out a lot, did not buy sugar cereals, and we were 6 people. So when I moved out, I ate out more, I bought the sugar cereal, and I still have a hard time 20 years later cooking for 2 people instead for 6. I am working on food waste issues and finishing off left overs that, when in my childhood home, would not have been there 3 days later.
But on the flip side, I am frugal with other things. I have never paid brand new for a car. I do not pay retail if I can avoid it for clothes. I don’t really follow fashion, but for things I do want (a nice purse for example), I either buy at an outlet during a big sale or I will buy used.
I had to learn it is ok to pay a lot for good quality. $150 for shoes that are going on 10 years of wear is better than paying $30-$50 a year for shoes that fall apart in a year.
It’s interesting look back to see how many of my current habits were influenced in different ways by my childhood experiences. In some cases, my habits match and, in others, I rebelled.
I think one of the best thing I learned from my parents was the never spend more than you have.
The thing that has gotten me in the most trouble was having such a negative outlook to credit cards.
The two go hand in hand. But it wasn’t until I was 24 that I opened my first credit card. I didn’t have 0 credit, I had zero credit! As in no credit!
It’s super important these days to have credit, especially if you want to finance a car or a home.
So that piece of financial advise has been the only thing with a negative impact in my life. Since opening my card, I have learned how to use it to my advantage.
@anna.matetic I understand about food with our kids
and husband and me. We had 10 people its a big adjustment
to not cook for such a large amount people we are down to
5 and 3 dogs.
I’ve brought a seal a meal and been taking the left overs and
putting in the bags and sealing them and we can have another
meal or make some thing else out of it. The bags you can freeze
put in microwave or use it as a boiling bag. It helps to not waste
food.
All so our daughter learning to can and that will help keep food
longer to.
Our folks never spoke about anything. Mom handled the finances, Dad worked. It was understood we didn’t have much growing up and there’d be no help for me after high school. Anything I wanted, I’d have to save for. After HS graduation, I worked, stayed home for a couple years, paid room and board for some of that time, and saved the rest. Grandmom gave me $2000 for college. I got through school with a good bit of scholarship help, work study, and a mess of odd jobs. Graduating without loans. Living out of state, there were some lean times before landing a real job. After getting a good job, there were a couple of years of “spend thriftery”. Dumb move, but there you have it. After I got married, our situation became quite tight. // So, what did I learn? Creative problem solving. Working hard. Saving everything you can, and making do. Because we were up against it, I tried things I might never have otherwise. How to garden. How to can. How to forage. How to sew simple things. How to repair things. How to cook. How to budget. How to use power tools. Simple framing, drywalling, putting in tile, sheet vinyl. The necessity of being honest with our kids about finances. The importance of teaching our kids life skills. // If life had been “fairer” and easier, would I have attempted these out of comfort zone things? Probably not.
OLIVIA I’m learning allot of that now. Fixing things that go wrong in the
house,car. My husband can no longer do allot of these things but can
tell you how to do it. Our son try’s and help but it takes awhile for him
to catch on same with our other son. Our daughter learning to can now.
I can sew some. I taught our daughter how to sew. I taught our 2 oldest
daughters how to knit and crochet. This year i’m going to be gardening
not sure how well that will turn out.
When I was four, my across the street neighbor told my mother “Pennies add up to dimes, and dimes add up to dollars.” That made an impression on me for some reason. I come out of an affluent background, but my parents were extremely conservative about money–it was never discussed because it was considered rude, but we always considered money. I developed a trait of bragging when I got a good deal on something–when I moved to Texas it blew my mind that people would brag about how much they spent on something. I’m still learning my way around finances. My main goal at the moment is to get my credit card debt paid off.
One thing helped, find someone who gardens and ask questions. We used to live in an area with a state extension office. They had a phone in “Master Gardeners” hot line. Friends and I also took advantage of their “composting clinic” where they taught how to make compost and gave away composting bins. Very useful, as our soil was clay. A book you may be able to borrow from your library is Square Foot Gardening by Mel Bartholomew. Loads of good information. // There is so much to learn. I can’t crochet or knit. // My sewing is nothing special, it involved mending, making simple clothes from cut down ones when the boys were small and style didn’t matter, and quilts to keep us warm. // Everyone starts at the beginning. Everything we learn just adds to our options.
I never knew we were not rich. I was raised in a small Midwest farm community and there was not a lot of diversity in incomes that I was aware of. My parents were children during the Depression so that ingrained a lifestyle when they were adults that they passed along to me.
I went a little nuts when I started making my own income, but I also ran into some very lean years when I had to put everything on a charge card and that “sobered” up my frivolity pretty quickly. It did not take long for me to go back to living like my parents did…very frugally.
I had a tough time raising children to respect that frugality when we moved to a large city and they were surrounded by a very diverse population in their schools. And that was when “status” name brand clothing became cool…Nike shoes, Vanderbilt jeans, Polo shirts, oiy vey did we have some arguments! One took after me, the other went overboard the other way and still, as an adult, money burns a hole in his pocket.
