My husband and I have worked very hard to build a decent little corner in this world, although we do have mortgage/some cc debt/normal life struggles, we are “okay”. My thing is that family/friends who have had the same opportunities in life, but obviously were not as motivated, think that we’ve "go it’ and they’re entitled to it. I’ve been frugal/saver/couponer/side hustler for over 20 years before my son was born and I had to tighten the family finances. Ive tried to teach frugal skills but nobody wants to put in the work.
My siser-in-law for example, every visit, its can I have, can I have. She even has the nerve to want to use our house for her party because our yard is bigger and I have nicer things. A friend of my husband will literally go into our pantry and bag up snacks to take home. I was DONE when he took my big bag of BJ’s walnuts. Really?!
Theirs also a parent who “needs” money constanlty because she will spend hers on wants and expect someone to cover for what she needs, like being short on rent.
I will gladly give anyone a hand up but the expectation of handouts is exhausting, they’re all able bodied adults, get a second or third job if you have to.
I personally dont expect anything from anyone, and I will not ask, I will work for what I want or go without.
Whoa, Sorry you’re going through this. I know it can suck and wear you out. Have you addressed this with your husband? I personally keep to myself and have not lent anything more that about $300 that were paid within a pay period.
I would take atleast a short “vacation” away from these mooching folks. You worked & saved but for yourself & your family. There is a neighbor who has regularly
been stealing from me for over 4 months now…to the tune of ~800 dollars. I believe
she thinks she’s entitled to steal from me, can you imagine?? She has a question-
able, sketchy past & skipped out on creditors. Now she is harassing me big time
and I’ve taken concrete steps to remove her from my sphere. So I can relate to what
you said…except this is a total stranger who has no business being in my apt.
or stealing my hard-earned stuff. Suggestions, anyone??
Arica, I can certainly understand why you are venting! I hope there is a way you can sit down and address this with your husband since it appears the problem arises mostly with his family and friends.
And it appears it’s likely a touchy issue between the two of you since he is a selfless person.
Is there a way he can carry most of the burden you are feeling?
One of the issues between my partner and I is drop-in company. His family all live within an hour of us and they were all raised to be welcomed and come over anytime without any notice. My up-bringing is just the opposite; I like a little warning so I can straighten the house, myself, and be prepared best I can since I’m usually not just sitting around doing nothing! I wish I was more laid back, I’ve tried, I can’t.
We had several arguments about this early in our relationship, and I always left the argument feeling selfish, ungrateful, and feeling very unwelcoming.
The resolution (which I don’t think is the best we can do) is that when the drop ins show up, they are his responsibility to entertain, offer a drink and a snack or two and if I’m involved in a major project, I sit for a few minutes then excuse myself to continue what I’m doing. I’m sure I’m a topic of some conversation about my rudeness however I feel they are being rude to just show up.
Maybe your husband can somehow take the pressure and burden of how you are feeling off your shoulders. Wishing you the best because your current situation would annoy me too!
I’ve been retired for 20 years. I worked many jobs, some extremely dangerous. I live in a modest home and drive older cars. One neighbor asked why I don’t drive to work every day? I told her I no longer work. She was upset. Another neighbor approached me, I’d been shopping and one bag was from a very nice store. It was a birthday gift for my granddaughter. The neighbor wanted to know how I could afford a gift from that store? I told her I have a good retirement and I saved up for it. Then she looked at my disabled vet car tags. Her reply shocked me. She said I was just another moocher off of Uncle Sam! That I’m on public welfare! I asked her how she liked renting? Why, she said? I told her my home was paid for! She left in a huff! I’ve been frugal all my life. I do have savings but I also have a very good retirement income. Was she just jealous?
I was on tough times and told everyone that I wasn’t exchanging holiday gifts. I was met with “well, you have to, right?” No, I wasn’t playing with simple social reciprosities but expressing that I was in financial trouble and really couldn’t participate, as usual. This was a big step for me and my relative, just didn’t “get it.”
The bottom line is that your marriage is a partnership. What has occurred is unpleasant for you. These feelings need to be expressed and acknowledged and validated. Maybe just expressing this issue in this forum was all the assistance you needed. Maybe you two need to go to counseling and determine a way to handle these issues, as they will continue until a change occurs. Maybe everything needs to be locked up in a special place or pantry? You both might start casually countering requests with jolly “nos” to get started and also require something in return: a balanced budget and repayment plan from the adult always in need? Just some ideas, but the two of you need to be united in our effort.
I’ve been retired for 20 years. I worked many jobs, some extremely dangerous. I live in a modest home and drive older cars. One neighbor asked why I don’t drive to work every day? I told her I no longer work. She was upset. Another neighbor approached me, I’d been shopping and one bag was from a very nice store. It was a birthday gift for my granddaughter. The neighbor wanted to know how I could afford a gift from that store? I told her I have a good retirement and I saved up for it. Then she looked at my disabled vet car tags. Her reply shocked me. She said I was just another moocher off of Uncle Sam! That I’m on public welfare! I asked her how she liked renting? Why, she said? I told her my home was paid for! She left in a huff! I’ve been frugal all my life. I do have savings but I also have a very good retirement income. Was she just jealous?
Hey Jobelle,
I will gladly call out your neighbors and say they’re HATERS and definitely jealous. I’m working hard to be someone like you in about 20 years. Thumbs up to you for having your life/finances/priorities in order. I dont think you owe them an explaination for your lifestyle…let 'em wonder…and Thank You for your service!
I was on tough times and told everyone that I wasn’t exchanging holiday gifts. I was met with “well, you have to, right?” No, I wasn’t playing with simple social reciprosities but expressing that I was in financial trouble and really couldn’t participate, as usual. This was a big step for me and my relative, just didn’t “get it.”
The bottom line is that your marriage is a partnership. What has occurred is unpleasant for you. These feelings need to be expressed and acknowledged and validated. Maybe just expressing this issue in this forum was all the assistance you needed. Maybe you two need to go to counseling and determine a way to handle these issues, as they will continue until a change occurs. Maybe everything needs to be locked up in a special place or pantry? You both might start casually countering requests with jolly “nos” to get started and also require something in return: a balanced budget and repayment plan from the adult always in need? Just some ideas, but the two of you need to be united in our effort.
Hi there,
Believe me, in no way am I shy about expressing how I feel about anything. We have visited your suggestions except counseling…I’ve made it clear to these particular friends/family how I feel, it’s getting hubby to be firmer with it. Like MintJulep said above, I’m always left feeling selfish and ungrateful.
Kudos to working hard and being able to get nice things, and it’s so sad that friends and family take advantage. And kind people always end up feeling like they’re the bad guy once they put their foot down. I agree that talking things out is always best, but when that doesn’t work, and hubby feels uncomfortable, I say put locks on the doors and pantry when you know people are showing up(lol), and they’ll soon get the message. (I see Trying to Get Posted suggested the same thing-lol) I have a friend who keeps a fridge in her room and a special pantry with goodies she wants to save, and she keeps her bedroom door locked when she’s gone. So sorry you’re having to go through this nightmare and sending you some HUGE hugs. RO
Why can’t you say no to them? Use the “times are tough and money is tight” excuse. It’s not exactly a lie considering there’s a pandemic going on and the economy is tanking. Tell them you need to watch your budget and save your money for emergencies.
Oh I have no problem saying no, its my husband who is overly generous and they prey on him. I’m constanlty having to reel him back in, but hes learning slowly. I like to remind him theirs a difference between helping and enabling. And one day we want to retire comfortably.without hands in our back pockets.
Interesting! My mother had a daughter-in-law (dil) that she did not care for, and this dil wanted to come over and put her name of things she expected to “inherit” when Mom passed. I told Mom to put the dil’s name on the toilet.
You and hubby need a united front, period. Just as a couple has to have with raising children. It takes 2 to create a doormat situation, when you’ve had enough of this someone has to stop it…and it is usually the one on the floor. Say no to the drop-in’s. When they knock, say, this is not a good time for visitors and refuse them entrance, shut the door and that’s it, they’ll get the message. If they get to be too much on social media, you have the power to block them, as well as on the phone.
I have always worked my entire life, from the age of 14 until now (48). Sometimes my jobs were menial just to get by until I got a better job. I also have sold online since 1998, sometimes to make ends meet, sometimes to supplement income, sometimes for extra spending money.
I have an Aunt who i love dearly, but I sometimes call Aunt “I-Wish”. In the past, when I was out of work and only had my online business, I would sell something and pack it up for shipping. She would see the package and say “I wish I could do that.” I offered to teach her, but told her it’s work. I don’t just list stuff and get money. I put an effort into it. That killed her interest.
When I got a credit card with a substantial limit, she responded with “I wish I could get a credit card.” I asked her questions like what is your credit score, what would you use it for, would you be able to make your payments? I explained to her what she could to to get one. She decided it was too much of a hassle.
When we got our stimulus checks, she said “I wish I got a stimulus check.” Her son claims her as a dependent, she’s on disability and doesn’t file taxes. Because she was claimed as a dependent, she was not eligible. i tried to explain why, but all she said was “it’s not fair, I never get anything”.
I recently got a EIDL business loan from the SBA, which is very low interest, very long term (I’ve had a registered business for quite a number of years for my online sales). Of course, her response is “I wish I could get a business loan.” I told her she didn’t have a business and it’s not free money. I have to keep records of what I use the funds for and can only use them for specific business purposes. She replied with “I know, I just wish…” and I don’t remember the rest because I now tune out anything after “I wish”.
I have always worked my entire life, from the age of 14 until now (48). Sometimes my jobs were menial just to get by until I got a better job. I also have sold online since 1998, sometimes to make ends meet, sometimes to supplement income, sometimes for extra spending money.
I have an Aunt who i love dearly, but I sometimes call Aunt “I-Wish”. In the past, when I was out of work and only had my online business, I would sell something and pack it up for shipping. She would see the package and say “I wish I could do that.” I offered to teach her, but told her it’s work. I don’t just list stuff and get money. I put an effort into it. That killed her interest.
When I got a credit card with a substantial limit, she responded with “I wish I could get a credit card.” I asked her questions like what is your credit score, what would you use it for, would you be able to make your payments? I explained to her what she could to to get one. She decided it was too much of a hassle.
When we got our stimulus checks, she said “I wish I got a stimulus check.” Her son claims her as a dependent, she’s on disability and doesn’t file taxes. Because she was claimed as a dependent, she was not eligible. i tried to explain why, but all she said was “it’s not fair, I never get anything”.
I recently got a EIDL business loan from the SBA, which is very low interest, very long term (I’ve had a registered business for quite a number of years for my online sales). Of course, her response is “I wish I could get a business loan.” I told her she didn’t have a business and it’s not free money. I have to keep records of what I use the funds for and can only use them for specific business purposes. She replied with “I know, I just wish…” and I don’t remember the rest because I now tune out anything after “I wish”.
This story gave me chills! I don’t understand how people could be like that!
I very much can understand and feel for you. We have the same situation with one side of the family. We own 2 propertys and have never complained about $. Not even when dh and and I were try to feed all of us on 12 bucks a week many years ago. We are lucky and it is our duty to do for everyone in the family according to the head of the family. We are constantly hit up by one member to go into business as our duty because the family needs it. This is the same family member who insisted dh was was a moron for not being and entepreneur and our kids would be losers going to college. Can we say jealous much??? We own everything free and clear by this point in life.
Our kids are resented because they out earn everyone and had all the breaks. In all honesty they are the only two family members with college degrees. They did have the gift of debt free college. Right of of college they started making about 20,000 more than dh and I earned with one full and 1 part time income. good for them!!!
Dh and I are where we are because we worked very hard to get out of the debt and mess we put ourselves in when we were mid 30s. The last few years have really reaped the benefits of the work we did from 30’s to 50. We travel regularly and are still debt free. Ive explained over and over we are very frugal so we can do all this. Ive explained travel hacking. No one wants to hear these things. All they see is decent cars, trips and a nice home.
We have drawn very clear lines in the sand with family. Ive really got after the head of family as we are resented for not being hand to mouth and they prefer to think we are in hock to our eye balls. No one would be hand to mouth if they managed their money. We are good with them thinking whatever. We have never earned what they did but did more with our money. We will not give family $ period. If someone is struggling Ill buy groceries etc. Ironically no one wants that. We do pay in full for all family gatherings as they are at our home. It is always been because we have the most room. We have cut back on it having to be every event and holiday as it was expected. I dont over do the food anymore as I got sick of everyone bringing their tupperware. We have gradually just cut back interaction more and more. We had to get over worrying peopl would get mad at us and just say what has t be said
We had one family member insisting they could inherit our residence in our will. I asked if they were on drugs. I told them both the residence and the rental will equally go to our kids as will very dime we have and the will is done and set in stone so good luck to them!
Ive found when people think they are entitled to something of ours simply saying " Why on earth would you think your entitled to our stuff?" will leave them sputtering. I think when we let people get away with it they do not expect to be called out and cant handle it. We felt like jerks at first but it really does make life better to put a stop to it.
My dad/mom are 92/88 respectively. No bachelors-masters-doctorates. But what they did have is common sense and wisdom. Irecall afew relatives who attempted to “keep up with the Joneses”. They bought nicer homes, newer cars, had card parties, etc. But I also noticed that they were the same ones who would come to my parents to borrow money. But my dad would always ask them one question: “If the bank won’t loan you the money; you don’t have the money in savings, why should I loan you the money? You should either have good credit or savings. If you don’t have either, you are in trouble”. Neither of my parents ever loaned money, whether acquaintance or relative. All attempts to try and teach them how to save, spend less or pay down debt were futile. Everything sounded good until they needed to commit to doing the work. So another thing I learned was not to share big dreams with small-minded individuals. Keep your mouth shut and your head down. Plan your work - work your plan. Don’t start anything you do not plan to keep doing. Neither of my parents EVER loaned their vehicles, whether acquaintances or relatives. If you did not make any fiscal contribution toward the maintenance or upkeep, insurance, licensing, property tax, or fueling of the vehicle, forget it. Other people are not going to treat your vehicle the way you would and if they were to bring the vehicle back in a damaged condition, all you will hear is “I’m sorry” as they walk away. In 69 years of living, neither I or my brother or my sister have EVER loaned out our vehicles. That’s primarily why they have lasted as long as they have. Now then, in reading this there will be those who will say I’m being selfish. Well actually, because I have not loaned out to those “entitled” folks, I’ve been able to give to charities and ministries who truly need resources. The “entitled” folks stay away because I set in motion from the start what I will and will not do; what I will and will not put up with. My mother used to say “taking care of your own business is a full-time job. If you;ve got extra time to meddle in another’s affairs you apparently don’t have enough to do”. I’ve worked for over 45 years both full and part time, saved money to pay for my house and vehicles in cash, never had a mortgage or car note and have excellent credit. I like to think it was because of being taught about a good work ethic and fiscal responsibility. Of course, it may not be for everyone, but it’s worked for me. There’s nothing quite like living a quiet life and peace of mind.
My dad/mom are 92/88 respectively. No bachelors-masters-doctorates. But what they did have is common sense and wisdom. Irecall afew relatives who attempted to “keep up with the Joneses”. They bought nicer homes, newer cars, had card parties, etc. But I also noticed that they were the same ones who would come to my parents to borrow money. But my dad would always ask them one question: “If the bank won’t loan you the money; you don’t have the money in savings, why should I loan you the money? You should either have good credit or savings. If you don’t have either, you are in trouble”. Neither of my parents ever loaned money, whether acquaintance or relative. All attempts to try and teach them how to save, spend less or pay down debt were futile. Everything sounded good until they needed to commit to doing the work. So another thing I learned was not to share big dreams with small-minded individuals. Keep your mouth shut and your head down. Plan your work - work your plan. Don’t start anything you do not plan to keep doing. Neither of my parents EVER loaned their vehicles, whether acquaintances or relatives. If you did not make any fiscal contribution toward the maintenance or upkeep, insurance, licensing, property tax, or fueling of the vehicle, forget it. Other people are not going to treat your vehicle the way you would and if they were to bring the vehicle back in a damaged condition, all you will hear is “I’m sorry” as they walk away. In 69 years of living, neither I or my brother or my sister have EVER loaned out our vehicles. That’s primarily why they have lasted as long as they have. Now then, in reading this there will be those who will say I’m being selfish. Well actually, because I have not loaned out to those “entitled” folks, I’ve been able to give to charities and ministries who truly need resources. The “entitled” folks stay away because I set in motion from the start what I will and will not do; what I will and will not put up with. My mother used to say “taking care of your own business is a full-time job. If you;ve got extra time to meddle in another’s affairs you apparently don’t have enough to do”. I’ve worked for over 45 years both full and part time, saved money to pay for my house and vehicles in cash, never had a mortgage or car note and have excellent credit. I like to think it was because of being taught about a good work ethic and fiscal responsibility. Of course, it may not be for everyone, but it’s worked for me. There’s nothing quite like living a quiet life and peace of mind.
Love your attitude Roger Napue! I’m outspoken in my family too. I’ve also tried to show that just because I say “no” or just because I point out why someone in my family is being a jerk, especially to others in the family, that it doesn’t mean I hate anybody. The basic instinct of people when caught red-handed is defiance and sometimes worse. But it doesn’t mean I don’t think that the person doesn’t have some positive qualities it means you’ve stepped out of line and I’m letting you know you have. And that has given other members in my family an awakening.
